Subject: Mother-In-Law Jokes

I went on safari with my wife and mother-in-law. This was of course in our younger years

One evening, while still deep in the jungle, Mama, awoke to find her mother gone.

Rushing to me, she insisted on us both trying to find her mother.

I picked up my rifle, took a swig of Jack, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, we came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

Mama said, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," I said "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Some years ago, I went on vacation in the Holy Land with my wife and mother-in-law.

Halfway through the trip, the mother-in-law had a massive coronary and passed away.

The undertaker assured me that they can bury the woman here for $150, but to ship the body home would cost five thousand dollars.

I just say, "OK ship the body home."

"Are you sure?" asked the undertaker. "That's an awfully big expense, and I can assure you that we do a very nice burial here".

"Look," I say, "Two thousand years ago they buried a guy here, and 3 days later he rose from the dead. I just don't want to take that chance!"



My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.


I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.


Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.


You're not fat, you're just... easier to see. Best to keep 911 on speed dial after that one.


If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.


I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

Went fishing 🎣 in Manasquan Inlet this evening on the outgoing tide in the rain during a small craft advisory south wind. An old guy was fishing to the left of my spot. Saw three fishermen catch a small bluefish further out on the jetty before the fisherman to my left caught and released a big bluefish on a plug. After a lot of fishermen started fishing 🎣 to my right, I went out towards the end of the jetty. A young fisherman hooked a 35.5” striped bass with a plastic minnow in the ocean and I let his friend use my gaff to land it. After he threw it into the inlet, I caught, tagged and released a 33” 15.5” girth bluefish with my brother John’s very old prism taped diamond jig. I’m applying for a NJ Skillful Angler Recognition Award 🥇.

Wife texted the following to me and I had to pass it on:

The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!

The query:

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed: Desperate

The response (that came weeks later out of the blue)…

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the Tears application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download Snoring Loudly Beta version.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.

In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck
Tech Support

Decided to skip lunch on shore and head out fishing for smallmouth bass at noon today. The plan was for a game of catch and release, and as good luck would have it...three fish accepted my impromptu invitation.

The surface temperature of Lake Michigan has finally reached 55 degrees around here, so I was glad that at least a few fish were up to the challenge and showed up hungry. I set out 2 rods with mid sized shallow diving Rapala crank baits and started a Westward troll in ten feet of water. The action began almost immediately, so that was a good sign!

After the initial action subsided, the next hour was very quiet so I figured that I probably caught the tail end of the morning bite. It made sense to wrap things up and call it a day so I pulled lines and headed back to the beach.

The trip ended up being defined by a 2, 3 and 4 pounder. All strikes were nice and aggressive, with solid hook ups and safe releases.

Went down to Carson City today shoppin and on the way back here this evenin bout a 1/2 mile from thr house there was a black bear on the side of the road. It wanted to cross but we scared it off . It stopped a little ways off and I believe it went ahead and crossed after we went by.
So we get home and I'm unloadin the truck and I turn around and there is another different bear bout 15 feet away from me.
I told it to go on and get out of here but it was a young bear and didn't understand Texan for scram.
After I unloaded the truck I needed to spread some soil around the front yaed and it kept me company for bout a half hour.
I took a few pics of it before it finally decided there wasn't any food for it here and went on up the street to the neighbors house, where it started eatin the grass in his yard and laid down in his front yard.
Eventually it wandered on off. But it REALLY wanted to go in our garage and look for food. I had to run him off from there but he stayed around for awhile to see if he could get back to the garage.

Good morning!
It's another Thirsty Thursday. 🍺 🍻 🍺

Currently 59° and heading to 77° later

Back to an AC install today. I'll try to get as much done today as possible since it's supposed to rain all day tomorrow. I was actually able to get the garden tilled up last evening. There may be hope yet?!?!

*****

I'm In Trouble...

My wife was shopping and sent me a picture of her in a dress she was thinking of buying and asked me, “Does this dress make me look big?”

I answered back, "Noooo..."

Autocorrect changed my answer, to “Moooo...”

Please send help!

*** Bonus groan ***

Debt free!

I am overjoyed! Soon I will be able to payoff all my loans and at last be debt free.

I'm on my way to the bank, thrilled to know that in a very short while I will finally have all the money I need to begin enjoying life for once.

I am so excited I can hardly get my ski mask on!"

Have a great day folks! 🍻